The Animals Speak:
The Domesticate Ban is Debated

At the end of her speech, the animals erupted--all intent on having their say. Refusing to acknowledge any of them until order reigned once more, she then raised her paw and pointed first to the Bird Group, who reported a consensus of opinion within their ranks regarding the Domesticate issue.

"Keep! them aWAY! Keep! them aWAY! Keep! them aWAY!”

Rabbit Clans United disagreed. “I think, we think, that is, the entire RCU believes that they, the Doms, um, Domesticates that is, could be part of...um...not the problem but the...uh...you know...” and here a companion lifted the speaker’s ear for a whispery, nose-twitching consultation, “part of THE SOLUTION!” finished the Spokes-rabbit triumphantly.

"Foolish rabbit!" Alpha Wolf bit his words off sharp and clean. “Save your bunny breath. You are too close to Dom-status yourself to see that the ones you so revere”--here his words fairly oozed past grimacing, gleaming canines--“haven’t a problem-solving bone in their bodies.”

"And who would know those bones better than you?” retorted Mother Buffalo, shaking her massive head at the wolves. “If Brother Wolf will kindly yield the field, let me point out that Doms CAN be quite clever and COULD possibly help orchestrate their own liberation, as Friend Rabbit was trying to say. It so happens that my son has carefully studied this matter and is pleased now to address the issue,” she announced proudly, nudging the huge beast who stood beside her, flank to flank .

Although the youngster was equal to or even larger than his mother, her gentle shove nearly knocked him hoof over wattle. But with youthful grace he turned his stumble into an ebullient two-step, exuberantly exclaiming, “Mother knows best! Better than any wolf ever could!”

Alpha Wolf, fur bristling, warned, “Take care, young bullheaded mooncalf!”

"Sticks and stones...” the young bull retorted, but before he could finish this clever rejoinder he found himself recovering from yet another motherly shove, this one a touch more jarring than the first. Taking his mother’s subtle hint, he turned away from the wolves and held his handsome head high, asserting, “Truly, I am well-acquainted with bovines--cows and heifers mostly, smart and good-looking animals--not so different from us!

"I’ve never met a bull, not that I’d want to, but the funny thing is, neither have any of the cows! They tell me bull-power is feared in Rect-world, so feared that male-bovines are kept hidden and not even let out for mating rituals. Instead their manly secretions are taken and stored in sacred tubes, and when it comes time for mating, a Who-Man uses his arm instead of the bull’s lengthy member and inserts the contents of the tubes into the mating chamber of the cow himself...”

A massive gasp of disbelief ran through the crowd of animals. Who-Mans usurping bull-power? Had the young beast been buffaloed by the bovines?

"Oh, that’s only one of the labyrinthine goings-on in Rect-World--why, you wouldn’t believe the mad tales! Only yesterday one of the heifers, the brown eyed one,” the young creature cocked his great head and fixed dreamy eyes on the far horizon, “...the brown-eyed one heifer with such neat slender ankles...and breath sweet as a summer’s day...well, she was telling me...”

"Enough of your silly tales!” interrupted a lengthy member of the Snake Consortium. “We sussspect your bullishness rises from a fatal bovine attraction, and you will soon lose your idealism along with your foolish hide.”

At this ominous insinuation, Mother Buffalo lowered her head and turned a glaring eye toward the forward beast. But apart from a twitch running down her spine, she made no move toward the hissy creature.

"You’d bessst beware, my callow friend,” continued the nerveless snake. “Give those big-eyed beasts a wide berth, for if contact with them does not kill you, it will make you weak. Examine your own hissstory if you doubt my words. ”

"Oh, what is UP with the snaky threats? Anyone with an un-forked tongue knows that cows are nothing, NOTHING compared to dogs!” shrilled a sharp-nosed fox, her anger drowning out the snake’s rattle of annoyance. “Dogs, the barking FOOLS--they began this whole mess!” she sniffed, a tremor of disgust shaking her attractive coat of russet fur. “Chasing a free lunch out of WEarth straight into the arms of Who-Mans, following them around like, well, like DOGS...doing whatever they’re told, no matter how CRAZY...and what do they have to show for it? Bodies no self-respecting Wild canine would be caught DEAD with, and the brains of one of my day-old pups!” Red-Fox was beside herself with frustration.

"EEEYes! EEEYes!” screeched a chimpanzee, jumping up and down in agreement. “But not just dogs! It’s all the pets! Inept kept creatures remembering nothing of ancient pacts or ties to clan and kin...animals who would betray their own kind at the drop of a banana skin!”

"Hah! Spoken like one who is all too intimate with the tenets of betrayal!” cried another chimp angrily, whose healing bruises on back and shoulder were grim evidence of a former chimp-clan battle.

At these ugly words, a massive hominid screeching broke out, subsiding only when an even greater roar emanated from Madame President. “Watch yourselves, or you will be banned from the Meeting along with the Domesticates!” she admonished the chastened chimps. “And you, Mr. Snake, stop your rattling and move away from Red-Fox! Now!”

Madame Lion ran a tight meeting and would brook no nonsense.

"With all due respect, Madame, shall we return to the matter at hand?” suggested a member of the President’s own extended family. “In my considered opinion,” continued the young lion, “Domesticates are privy to information inaccessible to Wilds. Perhaps their insider status could be helpful.”

"Well, excu-u-u-use me!” quoth a raven, full of scorn. “What star did you ride in on, Mr. King of the Savannah? Domesticates couldn’t help anyone out of a paper bag. Or plastic!”

Dignity ruffled, the young lion-lord bared his manly yellow teeth and rumbled low in his throat while framing a properly scathing reply to Raven’s rudeness.
In the meantime a roiling fountain of angry bubbles broke through the surface of the river like a volcano.

Through the bursting froth came the words “R-r-raven is r-r-right!”--a rippling response that marked the surprisingly unified consensus of the School of Finned Vertebrates pooling their knowledge at the mouth of the river. “Dom-om-oms must never-ever-ever be allowed-owed-owed to muddy-uddy-uddy our water-ater-aters!"

"Hmmmph. What do fish know?” creaked an ancient tortoise, ever ready with a word of wisdom, or two. “How clear are the waters where Orcas break ancient species-pacts, attacking whales and otters?”
Orcas are not fish-ish-ish!” objected the Finned Vertebrates. “Why ask us about their strange way-ay-ays?”

"Hmmmph. Fish!” retorted the old-one. “Going with every flow, pulled this way and that way, that way and this. I, however, have traveled slowly, steadily, carefully through many circles of time, and have gained wisdom, much wisdom! Something fish will never do!”
His wisdom then dictated that he heave his huge heavy body up to the Speaker’s Rock, the better for his audience to hear his long-awaited speech (long awaited, that is, by himself if no one else).

"Friends, Wilds, Domesticates, lend me your ears! Something is rotten in the state of WEarth!” Extending his ancient head as far up as it could go, he announced to the crowd, “To be, or not to be: that is the question!

"In the reaches of the blue sky, in the depths of the azure sea, on mountain and plain, in river and lake, in soil and sand, many have come, many have gone! Yes, during my long and eventful lifespan, many have come, many have gone,” continued the old sage, “but never like now, where from cloud to sea, from hill to valley, from stream to delta, on island and beach, in reef and rain-forest, animals lose homes, families, even their senses!

"The horror! The horror!”

Turning back to the fish, he challenged, “Remember, no animal is an island! You are not fish alone! Mind all who inhabit your watery world or you will suffer for your ignorance!"

"Ignorance, shmignorance!” sallied the fish.

"Lord, what fools these fishes be,” the wise-one returned.

"No fool-ool-ool like an old fool-ool-ool,” lobbed back the fish.

The tortoise was prepared. “Frailty, thy name is fish.”


"Ra-aced any rabbit-abbits lately?” A slamming blow from the fins.

The tortoise rallied. “Get thee to a fishery!”

The water-bound wonders went deep. “Go...go lay an egg-gg-gg!”

But they had met their match.

"How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is, to have a thankless fish...” Tortoise smashed back.

"Old one! Beware of disregarding the advice of fish!” This crashing and entirely unexpected defense nearly knocked the tortoise off his rock. “You and all the rest--listen to Friend Salmon, from whom I have learned much! We Wilds are not the problem,” continued the great gravelly-voiced grizzly, “it is the fault of the weak, falsely fattened Domesticates. They invade our territory, delivering sickness and destruction to all the Wilds. The least we can do is keep them from trashing our meetings.”

"Agreed, Mother Bear, but be careful where you cast your stones,” boomed a big-antlered elk.

"Didn’t I see your daughters at the dump last week, eating like pigs?”

And so it went, weedy seeds of argument cast back and forth, round and round, up and down, falling on ever more disturbed ground. Several altercations between Domesticates and Wilds contributed to the chaos, causing Madame Lion to call a halt to the proceedings. Directing the animals to meditate on what had transpired, she noted that the Domesticate Ban would be number one on the agenda of Meeting Number Two.